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We Need Many Different Forms of Love in Our Lives

We Need Many Different Forms of Love in Our Lives

Love is both a feeling and an action.

Many people describe love as a feeling of warmth in their heart, chest, or stomach.

We often feel a sense of affection for the object of our love. We reach out to touch, caress, hug, hold, pat, kiss, and otherwise be near this person or pet. Healthy attachment is regulating to our nervous system.

Those warm feelings feel like safety and yumminess.

We need, and can have, many different forms of love in our lives.

Love for a partner.

Love for a child.

Love for a friend.

Love for a sister/brother/parent/cousin/grandparent/etc.

Love for a pet.

Love for a person or people we serve.

Love for someone we’ve lost.

Love for someone we’ve found.

Love for time we share with someone who shares an interest.

Love for our colleagues.

Love for a hobby or passion.

Love for a time that once was.

Love for the hope of what will be.

Love for who we were.

Love for who we are.

Love for whom we may become.

Many of us learned we were unlovable.

Many of us decided then to un-love ourselves first before we could be taken by surprise by those who would reject us. This un-love, this fear, this strategy became True and we were divided.

When seeking to return to love of ourselves, acceptance feels frightening and we rebel against it.

But wait.

Slow down.

Start by accepting THAT you don’t accept. Accept fear. Accept pain. Accept sinking doubt, searing shame, the desperate desire to hide. Accept that you don’t know how to accept.

Ah, yes. This is what’s here right now.

You may find that with this little drizzle of acceptance for non-acceptance, there is a little softening and a little relief and the tiniest possibility of acceptance of more of who you are.

Love, acceptance and pleasure for someone for who they are right now, is the rain, sun, and soil in which each of us blossoms.

May you reach and stretch for a little of your own sunlight.

May you drink from the well of your own affection.

May you eat from the table of your own acceptance.

May you feel yourself blossom right where you are, no matter how imperfect the conditions.

With Love and Yumminess,

Karen

Polyamorous on Valentine’s Day? Therapist Tips for a Healthy & Happy Poly Valentine’s…

Polyamorous on Valentine’s Day? Therapist Tips for a Healthy & Happy Poly Valentine’s…

Jenna has two partners and three metamours. She wants to celebrate with everyone and leave no one feeling left out. But each year, it’s a challenge because Valentine’s Day is only one day. How in the world is she supposed to make time for everyone? Last year, one of her partners was hurt because they felt she signaled that he was less important. She wants to avoid this this year.

Valentine’s Day is a day often filled with excitement and expectation. It’s a day to celebrate love and romance, and many Americans hope to spend the day with a special someone, but how do you manage this when you are polyamorous and have multiple partners? How do you navigate showing each partner just how much they mean to you without neglecting anyone? How do you decide what to do with whom and when? It can be a stressful time for any polycule, but it doesn’t have to be.

Here are a few ways to leave the stress at the door as you think about celebrating this Valentine’s Day.

DETERMINE WHAT YOUR PARTNERS WANT TO DO

Don’t make assumptions, ask your partners how they want to celebrate with you this year. Figure out what will make all of your special someones happy as you celebrate your love together. Does that mean a weekend away together? How about a nice dinner at home? Maybe it’s a party with your whole polycule to celebrate together? Flowers and a card? Whatever you decide to do, make sure to ask your partners and don’t assume what they want.

DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Not everyone wants to celebrate Valentine’s Day with their romantic partners, but some people do. Make sure you connect with all of your partners in your polycule and ensure that you have a clear understanding of what Valentine’s Day means for each individual relationship. Is celebrating on February 14th of utmost importance, or is just being together to honor your commitment to one another no matter the date more important? Will you exchange gifts with one another? Unclear expectations can lead to hurt feelings, so make sure that you connect with your partners to have a clear understanding of what they envision.

COMMUNICATE

This is the cornerstone of every polyamorous relationship(s). Whether you’re a dyad, triad, quad or a wide-reaching poly family, communication is a key part of navigating partners, metamours, and everything in between. Things are no different when thinking about how to spend Valentine’s Day. Make sure you share your plans with your partners so everyone knows when they’ll be celebrating with you and when you’ll be with other partners. Don’t leave anyone in the dark, just like any other part of polyamory, be open and be honest.

DON’T SCHEDULE BASED ON HIERARCHY

Polyamory often comes with innate hierarchies among relationships often determined by sweat equity in a relationship. Simply put, it’s the idea that the relationship you’ve been in the longest is your most important and so forth. It comes with the idea that one has primary, secondary, tertiary, etc… partners. This is a valid style of poly for some, but when it comes to celebrating your love for your partners, don’t let your scheduling be dictated by hierarchies. Primary partners shouldn’t get to “call dibs” on a day before you’ve had a chance to talk to all of your partners. Make sure that your scheduling works for everyone to avoid hurt feelings and negative metamour relationships.

DON’T COMPARE AND/OR COMPETE

No two relationships have the same connection or love between partners, so why would you compare how you celebrate that love? It’s like comparing apples and oranges. Everyone has different needs and it’s important to avoid comparing or competing with your metamours. Just focus on the best way to give and receive love with your partners in whatever way will make you happy. 

Have a happy Valentine’s Day!

Alyson Mullie, LMSW

Nourishing No-Bake Energy Bites – Make Great “Galentine’s Day” Gifts!

Nourishing No-Bake Energy Bites – Make Great “Galentine’s Day” Gifts!

written by Katrina Seidman, RDN, LDN, Avalon Dietitian

These are so delicious it’s hard to believe they are so easy to make. If you are like my family and spend too much money on packaged energy or protein bars, you may want to try to whip up your own. I know what you’re thinking—won’t this take hours and dirty a bunch of dishes? Nope. Won’t I have to go out and buy a bunch of ingredients-probably not! Won’t an entire batch go bad within a week or so? Nope! Too good to be true? Not at all!

These nutrition packed snacks are super simple and easy to make using what you probably already have in your cabinet and only use 1 bowl-that of your food processor. If you don’t have one, I highly recommend investing in a good one-there are so many uses from making your own hummus to making batters such as for sunflower butter blondies (from a previous blog post). I love my 14-cup Cuisinart one, but there are other good ones out there too.And, If you are NOT willing to get one, you can totally make these too, just with a few adjustments. 

This recipe is also a great way to use up small bits of leftover nuts, dried fruit, seeds, oats, and other odds and ends you may have lingering in your pantry. The possibilities for variety are endless.

And, I needed a nut free option to send to school in my daughter’s lunch bag, so I substituted sunflower seed butter and sunflower seeds for the nut items. You could also use soy nut butter and roasted soybeans as a nut-free alternative.

As if the above reasons were not enough to make you want to head to your kitchen, it gets even better—these bars (or balls, as I often form them into ball shapes), also make perfect gifts -I made a batch of chocolate chip peanut butter ones for my mom for Mother’s Day and gave them to her in a cute oversized coffee mug. With Valentine’s Day coming up, they make great “Galentine’s Day” gifts!

And, what about nutrition? Ok, so these bars are choc full of vitamins and minerals, fiber, protein, and heart healthy fats! In short, they are super tasty nutrition powerhouses! Here is the basic recipe, which can be adapted according to your pantry inventory and your family’s tastes..

Basic Recipe 

1 cup dried fruit (we like raisins and/or dates) (**if you don’t have a food processor, I would substitute ⅓ cup of honey instead of dried fruit; or, date paste, if you can find it in the supermarket) 

1 cup old fashioned oats (or you can substitute ground flaxseed or hemp seeds in this part to total 1 cup combined oats and seeds) 

2 tbsp oil; I use olive (not extra virgin because of the strong flavor) or canola or grapeseed oils 

1/2 cup nut or seed butter (any kind. We like sunflower seed, cashew, almond, and peanut, or our current favorite Chocolate Don’t Go Nutz! or a mix of any of them)

1/3 cup nuts or seeds such as sunflower or chia or can substitute chocolate chips here (our personal favorite :))

Pinch of salt-rounds out the flavor

Cinnamon to taste

Directions

Puree first 5 ingredients to desired consistency in food processor. (Or, if not using a food processor, add them to a large bowl and mix until combined You can use your hands here.) 

Add, nuts, seeds,and optional chocolate chips for texture and pulse a few times in the processor (or do a final mix all together).

Oil hands and form into balls and place on small cookie sheet or press into greased or parchment lined baking dish to make bars.

Place in freezer and when frozen, place in a zip top bag back into the freezer so they stay fresh for a long time. They are good right out of the freezer or you can let them thaw for a few minutes before eating. 

Makes 10 large or 20 small servings

Nutrition Facts 

Serving Size: however much you want to eat to feel good and energized

Calories: Calories give you energy and help your body function. We need LOTS of them at regular intervals during the day

Fat: important for helping us feel satisfied for an extended period of time and helps us to absorb nutrients from our food

Carbs: give us quick energy and helps keep our blood sugar stable

Fiber: helps with feeling full longer, can support healthy cholesterol levels, and help with bowel regularity :). Found in the fruit, oats, nuts, and seeds.

Sugar: not a toxic or addictive substance! Necessary for brain functioning, energy, blood sugar stability, and a yummy taste. The sugar in this recipe comes from fruit, honey, and chocolate chips. 

Protein: necessary for building and repairing body tissues and helping us to feel full and satisfied. Found in the nuts and seeds. 

Vitamins/Minerals: lots found in this recipe! This is a super nutrient dense food. 

One of my favorite combinations is peanut butter coconut made with 1 cup of dates , 1/2 cup unsweetened coconut, 1/2 cup of chunky peanut butter and extra peanuts left whole, and 1/4 teaspoon of salt. I have also thought about trying a sweet and savory option but have not tried it yet. You can find more recipes like this online for whatever kind of tastes suit you. Let me know what you try!

Katrina Seidman, RDN, LDN

5 Unusual (and Effective) Ways to Keep Dating Your Spouse

5 Unusual (and Effective) Ways to Keep Dating Your Spouse

written by Stephanie Schuster, LMSW, Avalon Psychotherapist

In my work with couples, I often mention the notion of dating your spouse. When first entering a relationship, it is filled with dates, getting to know one another, romance, and passion – all part of the limerence or “honeymoon” phase. 

But what happens after the honeymoon phase has fizzled out? Or when life gets busy? Or after having children? I always ask couples how often they make time for dates or even just alone time together. For some, the answer is rarely.

There are many reasons that make it hard for couples to schedule dates or alone time:

having to hire a babysitter

financial reasons (and you know what’s expensive? Divorce. Divorce is expensive…)

differing work schedules

just always being busy

There are always reasons to push dates together to the backburner, but you don’t have to have a full date night in order to date your spouse. Just like any relationship, maintaining a bond and connectedness requires work.  The exercises below do not require money, hiring a babysitter, or even taking hours of time. (Although, it always helps to keep monthly or biweekly dates in the mix!) 

Here are 5 unusual (and effective) ways to keep dating your spouse:

1.    Reminisce over the start of the relationship and/or other memorable moments. A fun and free way of dating your spouse is revisiting the moments that fostered your connection and love for one another.  Spend some time with your partner going over in detail your recollection of your first date together, or when you got engaged, or even the day you both said, “I do”.  Take turns discussing what it was like for you during that time. What were the feelings? Was it nerve-wracking, exciting, or did you feel the chemistry immediately? What were the thoughts?  This exercise is light and easy and can help you both remember what drove you to one another in the first place.

2.    Spend time together disconnected. In a time where we are constantly on our phones, watching tv, and worrying about the long to-do list that needs attention, take time away from it all. Set time aside where you both can disconnect from the social world and connect with one another. Remove focus from the daily tasks and spend time going over things that are central to you both. Talk about goals, or dreams, or places you would love to visit. This can be done at home, at night in bed, or when out on a date. Don’t get caught up in discussing the “business” of running the family. This is connection time!

3.    Show appreciation. Sometimes couples think that this is an easy or silly exercise. However, the value of showing appreciation for one another is often overlooked.  You may be thinking- why should I show appreciation for daily tasks that need to get done. Or- I already say thank you when my partner does something nice or helpful. And those are valid. But when we take the time to focus on the things we may take for granted, and even more, make it a point to recognize them, we foster love and connectedness because it meets a core need of our partner: to feel “seen.” This does not have to be done daily and can be done in a way that is fun. Take turns each week noticing things your partner does that you don’t always give them credit for. Do you appreciate when your partner makes you your morning cup of coffee? Or when they offer to pick up something from the store for you? Or maybe even the way they parent. There are always things we can appreciate in our partners; we just need to take the time to recognize them and, more importantly, verbalize them.  

4.    Take a moment to connect and sync up your breathing. This one may take a little practice but can be very rewarding once you get the hang of it.  Sit down facing your partner, find a position that is comfortable for you both, close your eyes, and get ready to be extra close to one another. In this exercise, you and your partner will sit and lean in to touch foreheads together. You will then both focus on your breathing and work to sync up your breathing with one another. This may take a couple tries and can be done for time intervals that feel most comfortable for you both.  For the first try, aim to sync your breathing for 30 seconds, inhaling and exhaling. If you feel comfortable and find you are both able to easily sync your breathing, try for longer time intervals. Remember to focus on your breathing and your body. To add another layer of connectedness, hold hands while doing this exercise. Side note: You may find it hard to keep focused on the breaths while a myriad of things are swirling around in your head, and that is okay!  Just try to notice when other thoughts come in and then return your focus to your breathing. Mindfulness is a powerful thing and keeping the focus on one another can bring on feelings of closeness and connectedness.

5.    Get in your six second kiss each day. Anyone who is familiar with the Gottman Institute may already know about the 6-second kiss. If not, I am here to tell you about this amazing way of staying connected with your partner. It really is as simple as kissing for 6 seconds. Yup, that’s it! Now for the science- Kissing releases oxytocin and dopamine and can help reduce cortisol. What are those chemicals you ask? Oxytocin helps with feeling comfort and bonding, often referred to as the love hormone. Dopamine is that fun chemical that activates the reward center of the brain, giving us feelings of pleasure and satisfaction.  And cortisol, the hormone that gives you fight or flight reflexes, a response to stress. This is a simple but powerful way to keep dating your spouse, and who doesn’t love a good kiss!

While setting time aside and scheduling date nights is important, it is not the only way to keep dating your spouse. Try any or all of these methods to help in reconnecting you to the one you love. Life is busy and hectic but that does not mean it has to get in the way of being close with your partner. 

Stephanie Schuster, LMSW

Why Anti-Diet Dietitians Are A “Thing”

Why Anti-Diet Dietitians Are A “Thing”

What is an anti-diet dietitian?

An anti-diet dietitian is a dietitian, educated and trained, licensed and registered, but without a foundational belief that the primary goal of nutrition counseling is “successful dieting.” Our culture’s deeply held belief that thinness and dieting are “healthy” is not based in science, but instead by the profound influence of diet culture in every aspect of our lives, even, and especially, our doctors’ offices. If you are new to the concept of diet culture, well-known anti-diet dietitian Christy Harrison explains: 

“[Diet culture] is Western society’s toxic system of beliefs that: Worships thinness and equates it to health and moral virtue, Promotes weight loss as a means of attaining higher status, Demonizes certain foods while elevating others, And oppresses people who don’t match up with its supposed picture of “health.” 

Diet culture can show up in many ways:

  • following food rules
  • not eating gluten (without having celiac disease)
  • not eating after a certain time of day
  • completely cutting out sugar
  • making fat people pay for two seats on an airplane
  • having to track down special clothing stores in order to find your size
  • labeling foods “guilt-free” or “sinful.” 

It is literally everywhere.

Diet culture results in so many of us disconnecting from our natural biological processes around feeding ourselves and even shames us for having them!

Diet culture plays a large role in the development of eating disorders, body image issues, fatphobia, weight stigma, and size discrimination. It wants all of us to feel “less than” with the goal of enabling those invested in profiting off our insecurities. 

So an anti-diet dietitian, then, is one who wants to take part in dismantling diet culture and in helping people heal from disordered eating and body image issues so that they can live their life free of the bondage of dieting and able to thrive in their bodies without having to shrink them. 

In essence, an anti-diet dietitian is really an anti-diet culture dietitian. As an anti-diet dietitian, I create a healthcare space for those struggling with eating and the harms of diet culture and dieting to feel safe. The primary goal is to help our clients reconnect with their awareness of their body’s biological signals for food, move past fear of food and various eating behaviors, and cultivate nourishing, healthy behaviors around eating, movement, and well-being without a primary focus on weight. For many people, after years or decades immersed in the beliefs of diet culture, this change can be surprisingly challenging. Anti-diet dietitians are here to help! 

Anti-Diet is not Anti-Health

Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and this is a beautiful, natural thing. There is a large body of research that has shown that body size is not a valid indicator of health. There is a social justice movement called Health At Every Size (HAES) that advocates that we can pursue health without a focus on weight. It’s principles include eating enough nourishing foods, respecting all bodies, moving in ways that feel good, body autonomy, and creating a life-enhancing support system. 

However, often the primary goal of dieting is to change body shape, size, or composition, (often in order to improve health). But, we know that dieting does NOT improve health. In fact, it does just the opposite. Dieting causes harm. Serious harm. (Think trauma and eating disorders). And, it doesn’t even DO what it says it’s going to do—shrink bodies. Most people who diet end up regaining the majority of their weight and often even more weight. In other words, dieting is unethical, and so no healthcare practitioner should be recommending weight loss to ANYONE under ANY circumstances. It’s just wrong. 

The Anti-Diet Approach (Intuitive Eating) 

Moving away from diets works in the long term to create lifelong self-care nourishment. Listening to the body’s cues for what and how much to eat is better for health and well-being than following any kind of eating plan. Science consistently shows that people who eat according to their body’s own wisdom, also known as Intuitive Eating, have better health outcomes. Only you know what your body needs in any given moment; a dietitian can’t possibly know that for anyone. 

But what about nutrition? 

Gentle nutrition is still a part of what anti-diet dietitians help clients with; it’s just without the lens of weight loss/body manipulation/restrictive eating/dieting.  This treatment can also be referred to as Medical Nutrition Therapy (MNT), which is evidence-based nutrition counseling for real medical conditions such as diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease, celiac disease, GI issues, and others). It incorporates nutrition science without a weight loss approach.

MNT is different than putting someone on a diet. For example, it’s helping a client with celiac disease learn how to read nutrition labels for products that contain gluten, or helping a patient with diabetes to understand how their body metabolizes carbohydrates, or helping a client with heart disease incorporate more heart-healthy fats into their diet if they want to. Anti-diet dietitians still do provide this treatment as appropriate, but using the lens of weight-inclusive care, without diet culture’s harmful influences. 

What Anti-Diet Dietitians WILL and WON’T Do

Anti- diet dietitians won’t ask their clients to get on a scale (unless a client is in eating disorder recovery and weight restoration is necessary) or count calories, or portion out/weigh their foods, or track their food intake for purposes of “staying on track.”

They will respect their clients as the experts on their own bodies, helping them to tune in (rather than out) to what their bodies are telling them, and they will provide specific nutrition education and therapy as appropriate, when the client is ready and willing to experiment with positive health behaviors.

It is a collaborative, client-centered, truly holistic approach that does not require body manipulation or shrinkage. 

Katrina Seidman, MS, RDN, LDN