Love is both a feeling and an action.
Many people describe love as a feeling of warmth in their heart, chest, or stomach.
We often feel a sense of affection for the object of our love. We reach out to touch, caress, hug, hold, pat, kiss, and otherwise be near this person or pet. Healthy attachment is regulating to our nervous system.
Those warm feelings feel like safety and yumminess.
We need, and can have, many different forms of love in our lives.
Love for a partner.
Love for a child.
Love for a friend.
Love for a
Love for a pet.
Love for a person or
people we serve.
Love for someone
Love for someone
Love for time we
share with someone who shares an interest.
Love for our
Love for a hobby or
Love for a time that
Love for the hope of
what will be.
Love for who we
Love for who we are.
Love for whom we may
Many of us learned we were unlovable.
Many of us decided then to un-love ourselves first before we could be taken by surprise by those who would reject us. This un-love, this fear, this strategy became True and we were divided.
When seeking to return to love of ourselves, acceptance feels frightening and we rebel against it.
Start by accepting THAT you don’t accept. Accept fear. Accept pain. Accept sinking doubt, searing shame, the desperate desire to hide. Accept that you don’t know how to accept.
Ah, yes. This is
what’s here right now.
You may find that
with this little drizzle of acceptance for non-acceptance, there is a little
softening and a little relief and the tiniest possibility of acceptance of more
of who you are.
Love, acceptance and
pleasure for someone for who they are right now, is the rain, sun, and soil in
which each of us blossoms.
May you reach and
stretch for a little of your own sunlight.
May you drink from
the well of your own affection.
May you eat from the
table of your own acceptance.
May you feel yourself blossom right where you are, no matter how imperfect the conditions.
With Love and Yumminess,
Jenna has two partners and three metamours. She wants to celebrate with everyone and leave no one feeling left out. But each year, it’s a challenge because Valentine’s Day is only one day. How in the world is she supposed to make time for everyone? Last year, one of her partners was hurt because they felt she signaled that he was less important. She wants to avoid this this year.
Valentine’s Day is a day often filled with excitement and expectation. It’s a day to celebrate love and romance, and many Americans hope to spend the day with a special someone, but how do you manage this when you are polyamorous and have multiple partners? How do you navigate showing each partner just how much they mean to you without neglecting anyone? How do you decide what to do with whom and when? It can be a stressful time for any polycule, but it doesn’t have to be.
Here are a few ways to leave the stress at the door as you think about celebrating this Valentine’s Day.
DETERMINE WHAT YOUR PARTNERS WANT TO DO
Don’t make assumptions, ask your partners how they want to celebrate with you this year. Figure out what will make all of your special someones happy as you celebrate your love together. Does that mean a weekend away together? How about a nice dinner at home? Maybe it’s a party with your whole polycule to celebrate together? Flowers and a card? Whatever you decide to do, make sure to ask your partners and don’t assume what they want.
DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Not everyone wants to celebrate Valentine’s Day with their romantic partners, but some people do. Make sure you connect with all of your partners in your polycule and ensure that you have a clear understanding of what Valentine’s Day means for each individual relationship. Is celebrating on February 14th of utmost importance, or is just being together to honor your commitment to one another no matter the date more important? Will you exchange gifts with one another? Unclear expectations can lead to hurt feelings, so make sure that you connect with your partners to have a clear understanding of what they envision.
This is the cornerstone of every polyamorous relationship(s). Whether you’re a dyad, triad, quad or a wide-reaching poly family, communication is a key part of navigating partners, metamours, and everything in between. Things are no different when thinking about how to spend Valentine’s Day. Make sure you share your plans with your partners so everyone knows when they’ll be celebrating with you and when you’ll be with other partners. Don’t leave anyone in the dark, just like any other part of polyamory, be open and be honest.
DON’T SCHEDULE BASED ON HIERARCHY
Polyamory often comes with innate hierarchies among relationships often determined by sweat equity in a relationship. Simply put, it’s the idea that the relationship you’ve been in the longest is your most important and so forth. It comes with the idea that one has primary, secondary, tertiary, etc… partners. This is a valid style of poly for some, but when it comes to celebrating your love for your partners, don’t let your scheduling be dictated by hierarchies. Primary partners shouldn’t get to “call dibs” on a day before you’ve had a chance to talk to all of your partners. Make sure that your scheduling works for everyone to avoid hurt feelings and negative metamour relationships.
DON’T COMPARE AND/OR COMPETE
No two relationships have the same connection or love between partners, so why would you compare how you celebrate that love? It’s like comparing apples and oranges. Everyone has different needs and it’s important to avoid comparing or competing with your metamours. Just focus on the best way to give and receive love with your partners in whatever way will make you happy.
Have a happy Valentine’s Day!
Alyson Mullie, LMSW
written by Stephanie Schuster, LMSW, Avalon Psychotherapist
In my work with couples, I often mention the notion of dating your spouse. When first entering a relationship, it is filled with dates, getting to know one another, romance, and passion – all part of the limerence or “honeymoon” phase.
But what happens after the honeymoon phase has fizzled out? Or when life gets busy? Or after having children? I always ask couples how often they make time for dates or even just alone time together. For some, the answer is rarely.
There are many reasons that make it hard for couples to schedule dates or alone time:
having to hire a babysitter
financial reasons (and you know what’s expensive? Divorce. Divorce is expensive…)
differing work schedules
just always being busy
There are always reasons to push dates together to the backburner, but you don’t have to have a full date night in order to date your spouse. Just like any relationship, maintaining a bond and connectedness requires work. The exercises below do not require money, hiring a babysitter, or even taking hours of time. (Although, it always helps to keep monthly or biweekly dates in the mix!)
Here are 5 unusual (and effective) ways to keep dating your spouse:
1. Reminisce over the start of the relationship and/or other memorable moments. A fun and free way of dating your spouse is revisiting the moments that fostered your connection and love for one another. Spend some time with your partner going over in detail your recollection of your first date together, or when you got engaged, or even the day you both said, “I do”. Take turns discussing what it was like for you during that time. What were the feelings? Was it nerve-wracking, exciting, or did you feel the chemistry immediately? What were the thoughts? This exercise is light and easy and can help you both remember what drove you to one another in the first place.
2. Spend time together disconnected. In a time where we are constantly on our phones, watching tv, and worrying about the long to-do list that needs attention, take time away from it all. Set time aside where you both can disconnect from the social world and connect with one another. Remove focus from the daily tasks and spend time going over things that are central to you both. Talk about goals, or dreams, or places you would love to visit. This can be done at home, at night in bed, or when out on a date. Don’t get caught up in discussing the “business” of running the family. This is connection time!
3. Show appreciation. Sometimes couples think that this is an easy or silly exercise. However, the value of showing appreciation for one another is often overlooked. You may be thinking- why should I show appreciation for daily tasks that need to get done. Or- I already say thank you when my partner does something nice or helpful. And those are valid. But when we take the time to focus on the things we may take for granted, and even more, make it a point to recognize them, we foster love and connectedness because it meets a core need of our partner: to feel “seen.” This does not have to be done daily and can be done in a way that is fun. Take turns each week noticing things your partner does that you don’t always give them credit for. Do you appreciate when your partner makes you your morning cup of coffee? Or when they offer to pick up something from the store for you? Or maybe even the way they parent. There are always things we can appreciate in our partners; we just need to take the time to recognize them and, more importantly, verbalize them.
4. Take a moment to connect and sync up your breathing. This one may take a little practice but can be very rewarding once you get the hang of it. Sit down facing your partner, find a position that is comfortable for you both, close your eyes, and get ready to be extra close to one another. In this exercise, you and your partner will sit and lean in to touch foreheads together. You will then both focus on your breathing and work to sync up your breathing with one another. This may take a couple tries and can be done for time intervals that feel most comfortable for you both. For the first try, aim to sync your breathing for 30 seconds, inhaling and exhaling. If you feel comfortable and find you are both able to easily sync your breathing, try for longer time intervals. Remember to focus on your breathing and your body. To add another layer of connectedness, hold hands while doing this exercise. Side note: You may find it hard to keep focused on the breaths while a myriad of things are swirling around in your head, and that is okay! Just try to notice when other thoughts come in and then return your focus to your breathing. Mindfulness is a powerful thing and keeping the focus on one another can bring on feelings of closeness and connectedness.
5. Get in your six second kiss each day. Anyone who is familiar with the Gottman Institute may already know about the 6-second kiss. If not, I am here to tell you about this amazing way of staying connected with your partner. It really is as simple as kissing for 6 seconds. Yup, that’s it! Now for the science- Kissing releases oxytocin and dopamine and can help reduce cortisol. What are those chemicals you ask? Oxytocin helps with feeling comfort and bonding, often referred to as the love hormone. Dopamine is that fun chemical that activates the reward center of the brain, giving us feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. And cortisol, the hormone that gives you fight or flight reflexes, a response to stress. This is a simple but powerful way to keep dating your spouse, and who doesn’t love a good kiss!
While setting time aside and scheduling date nights is important, it is not the only way to keep dating your spouse. Try any or all of these methods to help in reconnecting you to the one you love. Life is busy and hectic but that does not mean it has to get in the way of being close with your partner.
Stephanie Schuster, LMSW
What is an anti-diet dietitian?
An anti-diet dietitian is a dietitian, educated and trained, licensed and registered, but without a foundational belief that the primary goal of nutrition counseling is “successful dieting.” Our culture’s deeply held belief that thinness and dieting are “healthy” is not based in science, but instead by the profound influence of diet culture in every aspect of our lives, even, and especially, our doctors’ offices. If you are new to the concept of diet culture, well-known anti-diet dietitian Christy Harrison explains:
“[Diet culture] is Western society’s toxic system of beliefs that: Worships thinness and equates it to health and moral virtue, Promotes weight loss as a means of attaining higher status, Demonizes certain foods while elevating others, And oppresses people who don’t match up with its supposed picture of “health.”
Diet culture can show up in many ways:
- following food rules
- not eating gluten (without having celiac disease)
- not eating after a certain time of day
- completely cutting out sugar
- making fat people pay for two seats on an airplane
- having to track down special clothing stores in order to find your size
- labeling foods “guilt-free” or “sinful.”
It is literally everywhere.
Diet culture results in so many of us disconnecting from our natural biological processes around feeding ourselves and even shames us for having them!
Diet culture plays a large role in the development of eating disorders, body image issues, fatphobia, weight stigma, and size discrimination. It wants all of us to feel “less than” with the goal of enabling those invested in profiting off our insecurities.
So an anti-diet dietitian, then, is one who wants to take part in dismantling diet culture and in helping people heal from disordered eating and body image issues so that they can live their life free of the bondage of dieting and able to thrive in their bodies without having to shrink them.
In essence, an anti-diet dietitian is really an anti-diet culture dietitian. As an anti-diet dietitian, I create a healthcare space for those struggling with eating and the harms of diet culture and dieting to feel safe. The primary goal is to help our clients reconnect with their awareness of their body’s biological signals for food, move past fear of food and various eating behaviors, and cultivate nourishing, healthy behaviors around eating, movement, and well-being without a primary focus on weight. For many people, after years or decades immersed in the beliefs of diet culture, this change can be surprisingly challenging. Anti-diet dietitians are here to help!
Anti-Diet is not Anti-Health
Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and this is a beautiful, natural thing. There is a large body of research that has shown that body size is not a valid indicator of health. There is a social justice movement called Health At Every Size (HAES) that advocates that we can pursue health without a focus on weight. It’s principles include eating enough nourishing foods, respecting all bodies, moving in ways that feel good, body autonomy, and creating a life-enhancing support system.
However, often the primary goal of dieting is to change body shape, size, or composition, (often in order to improve health). But, we know that dieting does NOT improve health. In fact, it does just the opposite. Dieting causes harm. Serious harm. (Think trauma and eating disorders). And, it doesn’t even DO what it says it’s going to do—shrink bodies. Most people who diet end up regaining the majority of their weight and often even more weight. In other words, dieting is unethical, and so no healthcare practitioner should be recommending weight loss to ANYONE under ANY circumstances. It’s just wrong.
The Anti-Diet Approach (Intuitive Eating)
Moving away from diets works in the long term to create lifelong self-care nourishment. Listening to the body’s cues for what and how much to eat is better for health and well-being than following any kind of eating plan. Science consistently shows that people who eat according to their body’s own wisdom, also known as Intuitive Eating, have better health outcomes. Only you know what your body needs in any given moment; a dietitian can’t possibly know that for anyone.
But what about nutrition?
Gentle nutrition is still a part of what anti-diet dietitians help clients with; it’s just without the lens of weight loss/body manipulation/restrictive eating/dieting. This treatment can also be referred to as Medical Nutrition Therapy (MNT), which is evidence-based nutrition counseling for real medical conditions such as diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease, celiac disease, GI issues, and others). It incorporates nutrition science without a weight loss approach.
MNT is different than putting someone on a diet. For example, it’s helping a client with celiac disease learn how to read nutrition labels for products that contain gluten, or helping a patient with diabetes to understand how their body metabolizes carbohydrates, or helping a client with heart disease incorporate more heart-healthy fats into their diet if they want to. Anti-diet dietitians still do provide this treatment as appropriate, but using the lens of weight-inclusive care, without diet culture’s harmful influences.
What Anti-Diet Dietitians WILL and WON’T Do
Anti- diet dietitians won’t ask their clients to get on a scale (unless a client is in eating disorder recovery and weight restoration is necessary) or count calories, or portion out/weigh their foods, or track their food intake for purposes of “staying on track.”
They will respect their clients as the experts on their own bodies, helping them to tune in (rather than out) to what their bodies are telling them, and they will provide specific nutrition education and therapy as appropriate, when the client is ready and willing to experiment with positive health behaviors.
It is a collaborative, client-centered, truly holistic approach that does not require body manipulation or shrinkage.
Katrina Seidman, MS, RDN, LDN
(Guest post by Avalon Healer, Alyson Mullie, LMSW)
Death. It’s a difficult topic to talk about. But, we will all be impacted by death and dying at some point in our lives. Death is a natural part of life and thus, so is grief. Yet, we live in a culture with the expectation that we attend the funeral or memorial service for our loved one, and then return to work after our 3.5 bereavement days have expired. It can be hard to know how to cope with death experiences. We feel a need to rush a grief experience so that we can “process” it and “get back to normal.”
We may even believe we have gotten back to “normal,” but then the anniversary of our loved one’s death approaches, and we get smacked with all the feels once again. It can seem like an unending cycle.
Here are some ways to cope and manage the emotions that emerge as death anniversaries approach.
Allow space to remember your loved one.
Positive memories are the best way to keep the spirit of your loved one alive after they’ve passed. Even though they have died, they still occupy space in your life and memories. It’s important to recognize that and allow space to experience those memories. It can be as simple as looking at photos, listening to a favorite record, or visiting a favorite place of your loved one.
Ask for support.
Processing grief can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Ask for support from friends and family members as you grieve. This can be especially important in the early years (1st, 2nd, maybe even 3rd death anniversaries). Grief emotions can be complex and sometimes, having an understanding friend or family member there with you can help create a safe space to experience our loss. Know that there are no “right feelings to have. It is common to have a variety of feelings from sadness to anger to relief.
Do something in honor of your loved one.
My grandmother died in 2017, 1 year later, I launched my first grief and loss support group in honor of her and my grief experience. Honoring our loved ones allows us, as survivors, to pay tribute to those that we’ve lost. As a therapist, I chose to use the skills I have to give back to others experiencing grief, but there are so many other ways you can honor a loved one. You can visit their grave or resting place and leave flowers, plant a tree in their memory, volunteer for an organization that was special to them, have a gathering of friends and family to reminisce, or light a candle in honor of your loved one. All these things are small ways to simply remind yourself and the world that your loved one existed and that they are remembered.
Be kind to yourself.
Experiencing grief brings dozens of different and often unexpected emotions. This can be magnified even more on a death anniversary. It’s important to remember, that this is a normal part of the grief process and that it is ok to be sad, angry, happy, or whatever it is you’re feeling. It is important to take the time to grieve by slowing down, doing less, and taking quiet space. You have not let anyone down, you are not crazy. You are just being human. The grief process can be difficult and long, but it is important to take care of yourself along the way.
Talk to a therapist.
Sometimes it can be difficult to find a friend or family member who understands. Maybe they are overwhelmed with their own grief, or process grief in a way that is incompatible with your way. Maybe they have not (yet) experienced this type of loss and find it difficult to provide the empathy and compassion you need (and deserve). This is when talking to a therapist can help. With a safe, judgement-free space, you really can say whatever you need to say in order to feel your feelings and continue on your healing journey.
Alyson Mullie, LMSW
Today, and every
day, resolve to love yourself better.
does not mean we “think we’re so great,” or that we recite empty
affirmations about our vague worth or likableness.
self-love is the practice of slowly and gently changing the way we talk to
ourselves, the story we believe about ourselves, the expectations we have of
ourselves. We do not have to live with self-aggression to be motivated to
change. We do not have to become less of who and what we are in order to be
self-love means getting up each day and deciding to see ourselves as the
vulnerable, needy, child that we are longing for acceptance, longing for
approval, begging for permission. To. Just. Be.
There are many
cultural traditions around self-denigration. We confuse humility with low
self-worth. We confuse self-sacrificing giving to others with love.
We are not at our
best when we don’t feel safe in our inner world. Self-criticism might feel
comfortably familiar, but it is not safe. We’ve simply internalized the
self-aggression of others and made it our own.
Yet, our young inner
selves, now hidden deep in the being of a performative adult, longs for that
adult to turn inward, to see her. Really SEE her. Acknowledge her
vulnerability. Speak to his fear and his need. Slow down and give space for the
truth of their very reasonable longing for compassion, comfort, and protection.
This type of love
looks simply like stopping in the middle of the day, placing a hand on your
chest, closing your eyes, and saying, “Yes. This work/parenting/event IS
scary. Yes. Of course I feel this way. And I can slow down and breathe. I can
let you know that you are not bad, no matter what happens. It is ok that the
house is a mess. There isn’t enough time to do it all. We are just one doing
the best we can.”
By doing this kind
of in-the-moment, spot-check, radical self-love, we can, stitch-by-stitch,
repair our relationship with ourselves and create the happiness and contentment
we have so longed for.
We find that as we
trust ourselves more and fear less, we no longer need many of the strategies we
tried so hard to beat out of ourselves. We become more of the best of who we
are and find that the best of who we are is truly all of who we are.
Today, and every
day, resolve to love yourself better.